Black and Blue

Full-time motherhood is kicking my ass. I thought the hardest job I ever had, or would have, would be working three (in a row) 12-hour shifts as an RN in a Level 1 trauma center. Wrong. It's caring for an almost three year-old and an infant, simultaneously. One wants this, the other wants that and usually their "wants" are at the same time. If I could be in two places at once with four arms instead of two and two eyes (of course) in the back of my head, I may be able to keep up with their needs. Maybe. But, since I'm a simple human, I've resigned to doing the best I can. We'll keep it at that. In my mind, and I'm sure in the mind of many others, the image of a stay-at-home mother is a luxurious one.....lounging around drinking in the love and goodness of your children while watching your favorite soap opera as you take a break from the glorious, sunny poolside where you've been perched all day. Wrong again. Those of us on the inside know the ugly (or beautiful?) truth and know the misperceptions that plague our profession all too well. As full-time moms, we feel like we have to be superwomen, never complaining about anything, even a hangnail, for fear that we will appear unappreciative of our "elevated" status (insert sarcasm here). A good friend pointed out to me that I should imagine where our family would be if my salaried husband didn't toil away for 60+ hours a week outside of the home and then imagine where our family would be if I didn't spend the same amount of time (or more) working (for free) within the home. It would be a disaster. Words could not EVEN begin to describe the maheim! That is where I find my value. But, valued or not, nothing could prepare me for the day-to-day and moment-to-moment challenges that have manifested in the last 48 hours. More on that tomorrow. This superwoman needs her superhero's rest. Goodnight!

Into the Abyss

As of Friday, I officially made the leap and become a stay-at-home mom. Wow. Me? On the eve of this magnificent and daunting change, I was in my kitchen cooking up some zucchini bread (grown in our backyard garden) using my new Kitchen Aid mixer while donning my striped apron made in 9th grade HomeEc class. It was like a dress rehearsal for the role of ultimate homemaker, which I am about to become. I guess I'm ready, but do you really ever know for sure if you are? I feel like I'm perched on the edge of a great abyss, cluelessly staring into the unknown future of what it will be like to raise my children on "my own" and wondering if I can do it. In other words, I took on the role of motherhood with all the responsibility it requires yet still feel like a kid myself sometimes. And now I have two lives depending on me! I have a renewed appreciation for my mother and the questions and battles she faced in raising me and my brother as a stay-at-home mom. I blame her less and less for the emotional scars I bear now. She was doing the best job she knew how to do! And, I must admit, in hindsight she did a damn good job. So, as I head into this new chapter of my life (and one that everyone bets will be the best), I'm hoping for patience, tolerance, creativity, love and a willingness to let go. Dirty floors can wait, fun with my kids cannot. And, if you hear a loud squeaking sound coming from my wallet, it's me making my dollars stretch as far as they can since financial sacrifices will have to be made to make this possible. I've already cut the toilet paper use in half and have found there is no change in absorbency (Charmin really is the best!). I turn off lights in rooms that don't need to be lit, I recycle, and I'm busy researching all of the free morning activities available to my kids on weekday mornings. Oh, and I'm imagining a buff new bod, because you know stay-at-home moms have all the time in the world for workouts, right? Right? Ok, that was a joke. I'll consider myself lucky to shower.....once a week. In all seriousness, I am very fortunate and eternally thankful to my husband for having to retire a few years later so I can be present in our childrens' lives now. As they say, these are the most formative years of their lives and I need to be around to screw it all up!