5 o'clock somewhere?

Tonight we decided to grill hotdogs, a favorite in our house. Brad ushered the kids outside to the backyard so they could play while he prepared dinner. Our two dogs were already out there, and Jack, who's eldery but never too slow to miss an opportunity to grab food when you're not looking, gobbled up two uncooked hot dogs from the plate Brad had set aside while he was uncovering the grill. I was inside, upstairs putting clothes away. I heard Brad yelling angrily, followed by Jack growling and barking. I flew to the window, unlocked it, lifted it quickly and said, "what happened?" but already had an idea that Jack had nabbed our dinner. Harper was scared and by now was crying. I didn't like the charge in the air, so I went outside and picked up Harper to calm her down and decided to put Jack inside. When I penned him in the laundry room, I looked him square in the eye and said, "Bad dog! BAD dog!" He snarled at me, lips raised, teeth showing. He was angry and didn't like me scolding him. I was mad at him, too, for scaring Harper and eating my dinner. I grabbed a hanger and lifted it wanting to smack him, but I knew better. I knew that wouldn't teach him a lesson. I took a deep breath and instead softened my tone and said, "It's okay, boy. It's okay." Immediately, his body language changed. His head dropped, his tail wagged and his eyes turned buttery soft. I thought, we all could take a lesson from Jack's immediate attitude change. I was shocked that all it took was a different choice and change in my voice to transform Jack's mood in about 1.3 seconds. I alone had the power to produce a differet outcome by making a different choice. Now, I know humans are a little more complex than dogs, but (on a basic behavioral level) are children that much more complex than our canine friends? Exploring this simple comparison and remembering how easily Jack dropped the attitude may help me maintain my sanity when it comes to parenting. Let me preface this by saying I love my children. I love them more than life itself. I don't, not even for a single minute, regret the decision to bring either of them into this world. Not really, even though I often try to remember who I was and what exactly I did with all my time before having children. But, I seriously need to adopt some more effective coping strategies for keeping my cool. Being a stay-at-home mom to two kids under the age of five is, by far, the hardest job I will ever have. Hands down. And, I kind of suck at it. I yell too much. I interfere too much. I'm too bossy and probably a little too strict. I let them watch too much TV and pay too much attention to my "to do" list. The reason I know I'm all of these things is that I see some of the behaviors I don't like in my parenting style come out in them. Monkey see, monkey do, right? Harper yells at Layne, yells at me, yells at Brad. That makes me sad. Or, Layne can't move onto the next thing until things are put away just right. That's my OCD. Okay, maybe that doesn't bother me so much. Point is, I realize who and what I am has a huge influence on the people my children are becoming, and I want to be the best examples to them possible, not the worst. To escape reality, I have friends who stock their fridges with alcohol. Effective. I have friends who regularly ship their kids to grandma's. Smart. Then, I have friends who ship their kids to grandma's and then raid their booze-stocked fridges. Brilliant! Perhaps I can say running helps balance me out. It certainly gives me time and space to let my thoughts distill. However, I need something more, and not just longer runs. Maybe I just need time, time for my kids to grow up and become people I can relate to as individuals with opinions and not just toddlers with poopy diapers and hungry tummies. I like to think that it's just this phase of parenting that is difficult, not parenting in general. There will be other phases of parenting that kick my ass as well (hanging on for the teenage years), but I honestly feel like I'm doing the best I can to be the best mom I know to be and I'm still falling short. I'm exhausted, quite honestly. It brought me to tears tonight when Layne said, "Mom, I wish you weren't mean to us." Or something like that. I don't remember exactly his phrasing, but he implied that I was mean and I remembered thinking, he's a little bit right. And, instead of getting mad at him, I softened, conceded and surrendered - much like I did with Jack. And, I cried a good, long-overdue cry. I don't come close to pretending to have all of the answers when it comes to parenting a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old, especially my 4-year-old and 2-year-old. Never in my life have I met two more independent, obstinate, hard-headed little people in my life. That Harper will give me more gray hairs than everyone else combined in my life! I think the question I have to remember and keep asking myself is, "Is this battle worth having?" I mean, do I always have to be right and have things done my way? Or, could I let it go - release control a bit - and have things go differently but still reach the same destination? There may be a lot less stress involved. For example, do I really need to yell at Layne to get dressed faster in the morning, or could we just be five minutes late to preschool for crying out loud? What I do know is that I'm truly T.I.R.E.D. of how we currently operate and my interraction with Jack tonight taught me that so much power lies with me. I'm much more influential than I think I am. Sometimes I feel like my children run this house, but it really is the other way around. Thank goodness I have a husband who recognizes my struggles, knows my emotional limitations and can step in to my rescue when needed. I excused myself halfway through dinner, appetite lost after the "mommy is mean" comment, and went for a 30-minute walk in my neighborhood. It's something I used to love to do - just take a walk and look at houses, yards and people while listening to music. It refreshed my soul and recharged my battery enough to make it through the rest of the evening. I returned home to some crying, fighting and power struggles over toys once forgotten but now the center of attention and the ONLY toy either could ever imagine playing with ever again. Ever. I tried to let it roll off, like water on a duck's back, because tomorrow it's going to be a long week. I told myself, "It's okay, Mommy. It's okay." And, I felt my tail wag - just a little bit.